The Rise of Patapons
by Sapower
Summary: The Patapons set out to retain their former glory in this wacky and warped story.
1. Prologue: The Fall of Patapons

The Rise of Patapons

Prologue: The Fall of Patapons

Centuries ago there was a dominant force that plowed through everything. For them, no foe was deemed superior, no treasures unreachable, and no land unconquerable. They ventured out to see a mysterious entity called IT. They were called **Patapons**. But now the Patapons of the present were far from their former glory…

Not long ago a Patapon god signed a contract to guide the Patapons to their former glory and received a blue drum with eclipses decorating it. When drummed, it produced a morale-boosting _PON _sound. At that crucial moment, a lone Hatapon was about to give up hope until he heard a series of drum cycles. To his surprise, Hatapon felt a new hope channeling through him. "That drum beat! It gave me energy!" Hatapon said as he looked up. "You were the one who revived me! I believed in you with my heart! Please take this!" Hatapon quickly built a shrine and placed a red drum in it. The drum produced a strength-boosting _PATA_ sound and was decorated with red rectangles. Hatapon lit a fire on the shrine to send the drum to the god.

As the shrine smoked, Hatapon said a prayer, "O Mighty Patapon, guide me with the drums." Soon, a drum sequence of _PATA PATA PATA PON _commenced. Hatapon, although reluctant at first, swayed to the beat as he unconsciously started marching towards home. As he walked, he sang the rhythms of the drum as he gained more strength and courage. After a few paces homeward, an exhausted Yaripon saw Hatapon courageously walking, carrying a banner of Patapolis, and marching to the beat of the drums. He quickly put two and two together and said, "What? Hatapon? You found the Mighty Patapon?!" "Of course I did!" replied Hatapon, now in a fever high. "Hooray!" Yaripon said as he allowed himself to be guided by the drum. Another Yaripon jumped out of a bush twirling about and joined in, "Blessed Mighty Patapon! We are humbled by the power of rhythm! Let me join you!" A third Yaripon ran to the source of music spinning his spear while shouting, "Ooh, ooh, ooh! What sound! It's sublime! Alright! Let's go back to Patapolis!"

Not long after, the squad felt the ground shaking. "Um, err, oh!" Hatapon said as they turned around. "What on earth?!" the three Yaripons screamed in unison. Up in the sky, the god said, "Be careful! Something large is approaching fast! I'll crank up the tempo!" "Oh my god! Dodonga to our rear!!" Hatapon shouted. "Run!" the oldest Yaripon screamed. "Faster!" the youngest Yaripon shouted. "Zigotons ahead?!" the middle Yaripon gawked. Zigotons are the rival species of Patapons. "Erg! Patapons?! ARRRGH! This is bad! Those slimy eyeballs are on the move!" said the two Yaritons, the Zigoton counterpart of Yaripons. After a hectic dog and cat and mouse chase, the soot stained Patapons managed to outrun the fire-breathing Dodonga and chase off the Yaritons. "Erg! No, no! Scat! Stay away!" the Yaritons said as they fled. Hatapon and the Yaripons continued home.


	2. Chapter 1: Gone Hunting

The Rise of Patapons

Chapter 1: Gone Hunting

Hatapon and his Yaripon friends, guided by the Mighty Patapon, found their way back to Patapolis in no time. Soon it was night, and a feast begins in honor of the Mighty Patapon.

There was everything you can think of that is in a nighttime feast in the outdoors. There was good food stacked up high, jugs full of sweet juices, and to top it off, a bonfire sitting in the center of Patapolis.

The Patapons' only priestess, Meden, spoke to the Patapon God, "Oh Mighty Patapon… It is an honor to meet you again. I am your loyal servant, Meden. Please, Oh Mighty Patapon, tell us your name." Meden wasn't just a priestess, she was also an oracle. She is the **only** Patapon capable of speaking fluently to the Patapon God, not to mention the only Patapon wearing a robe.

"My name is Zetto." replied the god. Fortunately, every Patapon can hear Zetto to some degree. "Welcome, Zetto!" a Patapon said as he poured jugs of juice to refill drained flasks. "King of all, oh Mighty Zetto!" another Patapon said with his mouth stuffed full of soft luscious meat. "Praise the Mighty *hiccup* Zetto!" a Patapon said with an expression that he had drank a little too much of the slightly alcoholic juice.

After all of the welcoming phrases, Meden said, "Oh Mighty Zetto… How long we have waited for you! We are grateful of your return, except…" Meden paused as she frantically searched for words. After a while, she gave up and said, "…except we are starving! Please grant us food before we collapse and die!" As she said that, Meden beckoned Zetto to a totem pole object. "Ah, Mighty Zetto… Go to the hunting grounds through this magic Obelisk." Zetto saw Hatapon and his Yaripon friends looking up at him and waving.

The squadron was very formal. Hatapon was carrying a new and shiny banner of Patapolis. The three Yaripons have pouches slung over their backs containing polished and untarnished wooden spears. Zetto teleported the group into Patata Plains, a hunting ground with sparsely populated game. Unfortunately, the Zigotons also use this hunting ground and built a small wall to block access. Desperate, Hatapon said another prayer, "Oh Mighty Patapon, please help. Give the Patapons the strength to fight!"

Just like the previous prayer, a different set of drum beats started. It had the beat of _PON PON PATA PON. _After a few drum beats, the Yaripons could throw the heavy spears with ease and broke through the wall. A few paces later, aided with a few rounds of _PATA PATA PATA PON, _the Patapons found a herd of pig-like game called Kacheeks. The Kacheeks easily fell to the Patapons. Once or twice, they encountered bird-like Motchichis which were a little harder to kill because they run away quickly. At the end of the day, Hatapon led his friends to Patapolis with the dead animals packed in a wooden cart.


	3. Chapter 2: Escape from Exile

The Rise of Patapons

Chapter 2: Escape from Exile

**Note: The drum beats will be abbreviated and replaced with:**

**Pata Pata Pata Pon=Pata Pata Pon Pon Pata Pon=Pon Pon**

After transporting the smelly animals to Patapolis, a Patapon cook gutted and cut the meat. The Kacheeks' hides were very leathery and weren't edible, let alone taste good, so only the legs were actually edible. The leathery meat was known to the Patapons as a meat that was eaten all of the time. The Motchichis had a lot of bones in their head and limbs, but the remaining chunk of meat was soft, tender, and had all of the good qualities of meat that you can think of, plus a few that you can't think of. The Patapons craved that delicious meat, but they rarely found it. Even on their birthdays, the meat was rarely eaten.

This was the first time that the Patapons ate the tender meat in decades, and as they ate it, they whooped with joy as the heavenly taste melted into their mouths. "Ah, Mighty Zetto… We thank you for this sustenance! Everyone! Make offerings to the great Mighty Patapon. We are grateful for this bounty!" Meden said with a smile. Most of the offerings were nice, but the surprise came when the Patapon that was still drunk said, "*hiccup*… Zetto… I present to you *hiccup*… My Spears of Protection!" Meden, a little surprised, said, "Mighty Zetto… Let me show you to the treasure storage. This is the Altar." Meden said while pointing to the Altar and continued, "It contains our offerings to you!"

Just then, Hatapon walked by and sighed, "We have lived in exile for as long as I have lived. We must break the stone walls and venture outward."

After a big argument with Meden, Hatapon went to wake his Yaripon friends. Hatapon gave the oldest Yaripon the Spears of Protection and said, "You will both need and wield this from now on." After a few miles of walking, the squad stopped in front of the wall. "All set to attack!" Hatapon said. After one Pon-Pon command, the wall looked in pretty bad shape. Behind the wall, four Yaritons gasped, "Eeg! Can't be?! Those dirty eyeballs are attacking!" On the other side, Hatapon said, apparently frustrated, "Arggggh! What the deuce?! This wall will never give!" As the heavy Spear of Protection hit the wall, the wall was reduced to rubble. "Run! I must report this to General Gong!" one Yariton screamed as the other Yaritons fell back behind another stone wall as big as the first one.

As the Patapon squad closed in, someone jumped out of the bushes. "Uh, oh! Stop right there! I am Ban the **Tatepon**! I shall fight by your side!" Ban said before joining the squad. Ban was an old and experienced Tatepon with a steel shield in one hand, and a sword custom-made by a deceased blacksmith. He was wearing a helmet that looked like it had been used for centuries. "Alright, here goes! For victory! For Patapolis!" Ban shouted as he smashed the wall where the Yaritons were hiding. "Get them!" a Yariton shouted at a trio of experienced Tatetons. As you can see, any soldier with a "-ton" suffix is a Zigoton. The Tatetons also fell to the Patapons, along with a few reinforcements of Yaritons and Tatetons.

After squashing the fort, the Patapons found a bell cap and a pouch of iron spears. "We are out of danger. You fought well. Glory to Zetto!" With every passing second, Ban looked more and more exhausted as he said with difficulty, "I pledge my memory to you. Tough as nails and lion brave, this memory will spawn great Tatepons. Soon, it will be our turn…" Ban sat under a bowtie tree and said his farewells, "Farewell… Oh, Great Zetto… my time has come…" Before Ban could say any more, the leaves of the bowtie tree swirled around him, and soon he disappeared, along with his sword. His shield and a glowing scroll were left behind, along with glowing balls of light. After a long period of mourning, Hatapon directed the squad home and nobody had a dry eye at that time.

Back at Patapolis, Meden said, "Ban was a legendary hero with a pure heart. If only we can bring him back… Come, come, and see our sacred sanctuary." Meden walked over to a tree. "This is Mater, the tree of life. Great heroes can be revived here with the memories of legendary Patapons. However, it requires life-force. Ka-ching will do just fine," Meden snatched one of the glowing balls that Hatapon was attempting to juggle and showed it to Zetto. "Also, it requires materials to form the body of the warrior, like stone or wood," she continued. To demonstrate, she grabbed the bell cap and made a wooden sculpture of a Patapon holding a trumpet. She beckoned her assistant to bury the sculpture under Mater with the bell cap. Meden then scattered Ka-ching into the soil on the buried things. "It will take a day for the tree to give life. Why don't we all get some rest?" Meden suggested. As soon as she said that, she fell asleep on her throne next to Mater. Five minutes later, Hatapon went out cold right on Meden. Later that night, Meden had a nightmare about Hatapon farting on her face.


	4. Chapter 3: Pan Pakapon and Ubo Bon

The Rise of Patapons

Chapter 3: Pan Pakapon and Ubo Bon

Hatapon woke up early this morning, and then he realized that he was sleeping on Meden. Shocked, he backed away slowly and ran to the bonfire. He saw a familiar Patapon in the distance next to a large tree. Hatapon rubbed his eyes and suddenly remembered that the Patapon matched the wood sculpture Meden had made and buried. Hatapon walked up to the Patapon and said, "Do I know you from somewhere?" "Why, of course Hatapon!" the Patapon exclaimed, "You're looking at trumpet-prodigy Pan Pakapon! For a small fee, I can give you the best quality wood!" Just then, Meden, who sprayed herself with a heavy perfume after she woke up, strolled along and said, "We are low on wood, so take this," and gave Pan a piece of tender meat.

Pan Pakapon woke up the big tree he was standing under. The tree said, "Ooh… my head itches! My name is Ubo Bon. Now Pan, please play your horn to distract me from my itch." After a few warm ups, Ubo sang in perfect pitch, "**Bon-Bon-Bonnn!**" Pan repeated the sequence 3 octaves higher on his trumpet, "_Beep-Beep-Beeeep!_" Ubo started to sing a song, with Pan repeating everything he sung, "**Bon-Bon-Bonnn!**" "_Beep-Beep-Beeeep!_" After an intense singing (and dancing) moment, Ubo shook his head once more, and a Hinoki log fell out of his head of leaves. "My heart and head are cleansed!" Ubo Bon said with tears of joy and yawned, and then he fell asleep again. Meden's assistant carried off the Hinoki log into the Altar.

Meden looked up at Zetto and said, "Tomorrow we will head for the Zigoton fort nearby. Create Tatepons to have an advantage against the garrison guarding the fort. By the way, since you are creating a Patapon without a helm, it would require two components. A Yaripon and a Tatepon's primary composition is meat. Wood and rock are the secondary components, respectively. After a moment, there were 3 Yaripons and 6 Tatepons awaiting life under Mater's roots. After the sun set, everybody went to bed, except Pan Pakapon, who played a few notes before running out of air and fell asleep due to his own music. Unfortunately, he fell asleep right on Meden. Meden had a dream about Pan playing her favorite song over and over again and she slept well.


End file.
